Notes From the Trailerhood

While in the car tonight, Shelby got a phone call from her BFF that she hasn’t seen in a while.  She is just chatting away and catching up on all the gossip from her old school. We all noticed the word ‘like’ was very prevalent in the conversation. Then Clayton decided to put in his two cents:

(mocking his sister) “Last night I was, like, so looking at my old yearbook.  And, like, I am seeing how ugly the other kids are.  And, like, I was so hotter than them. And, like, i was looking at myself now and I am, like, so much way hotter than I was then.”

At this point, Fiance and I can hardly contain our laughter. But it made Shelby mad, so we all quit.  But now Clayton thinks that he should become a comedian.  Then he informed us that since I was the funnier parent, we should team up and be a ‘comedian team’.  So now he is running around trying to write new material.

“Cuz, like, I don’t know where I get it.  It just pops into my head and it’s just so funny!”

So you’re saying it’s like a gift from God or something?

“Exactly!”

If his ego is this healthy at 7, the teenage years are really going to be something!

After dinner tonight I thought it would be nice to take the kids and go get ice cream.  Fiance and Shelby decided to stay home with the dogs while Clayton and I ventured out in search of the yummy Blizzard-y goodness housed at the local DQ.

Before we got to our destination, my dad called and I got all distracted with the conversation I was having with him. Before I realized it we were at the library.

Now, the library is good.  But it doesn’t have Blizzard-y goodness. But it did have my mom that I needed to talk to.

Forty-five minutes later we were on our way back to DQ. Only now the drive-thru line is all the way out to the street and most of the parking places were taken.  Clayton and I ‘created’ a space and decided just to stand in line. Apparently there is nothing else to do in Bartonville on a week night except get ice cream.

The guy in front of me had commented that same observation and we had a nice chuckle.  Then as an aside he says:

“Well unless you have your dealer on speed dial or plan to drink all night.”

I’m thinking….What?!? Do you see my 7-year-old standing here?  But I decide to go along with it.

So is that something prevalent around here now?  I grew up here but only recently moved back.  It’s been 10 years since I have been here and I know things have changed. But I didn’t think it was like that.

(sputtering) “Oh well…I guess it’s just in who you know.”

Yes…interesting conversation.  Thanks for sharing.

About that time, an SUV pulls away from the drive-thru window as I happened to look that direction.  I noticed the guy driving to be the boy that I had a HUGE crush on in junior high.  I kind of chuckled at the memory but not quiet enough for Clayton not to notice.

“Who was that?”

Thinking the guy and his family were driving away I decide just to explain it to Clayton.  What else were we going to talk about while in line…who his pot dealer is?

Oh, that guy driving that SUV was the boy that I had a huge crush on in junior high.  I haven’t seen him in years.  He’s still pretty cute.

Being the dorky mom that I am, I added in a dramatic sigh and a wink to let him know I was joking.

“Oh, you mean that guy that is walking up behind you right now?  The tall one in the red tee-shirt?  You mean that guy?”(as he is so obviously pointing him out)

I turn my head and Clayton wasn’t kidding.  The guy was right behind me.  There was something wrong with his order. Thanks, Clay. That’s not embarrassing at all!

(with a wild look of mischief on his face) “Mom, I am so going to tell him that you like him.”

I suddenly feel like I am in 7th grade again all awkward and embarrassed.

Dude, I’m telling you right now.  Don’t you dare!

(Now with the Mr Burns “Excellent” fingers, “Oh, I am Mom.  I am so going to tell him you like him!”

I realized that my kid is about to embarrass the hell out of me.  At 12-years-old I managed to keep my adoration unknown because I would have rather died than let this boy know I liked him. And now, more than 15 years later, I’m about to be busted out by my 7-year-old kid in front of the entire DQ staff and Stony McStonerson.

Threatening Clayton with the naked baby pictures all these years seemed to be back-firing. Dammit!

Mercifully, the chick had his sundae ready and was handing it to him. The guy apologized for delaying our order with his ice cream and tells us to have a good night.

This was Clayton’s chance…and like a good boy that likes a roof over his head, all he did was smile and say, “Have a good night.”

But as soon as we walked in the door at home, the whole story came pouring out to finace and Shelby.  Fiance even choked on his Blizzard-y goodness laughing at me.  I’m so happy I can bring this much joy to my family.

***THIS POST IS FOR MATURE ADULT AUDIENCES ONLY.***

***IT IS NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN OR WORK***

Ms PH shared this Picture Is Unrelated web site with a me a couple months back.  I was perusing through the posts the other day and  happened upon this video.  I was so shocked and entertained, I immediately forced fiance in from mowing the lawn to come watch. He was so entertained that parts of the backyard are still not mowed.  I feel compelled to share this with the rest of you (all 5 of you!)

After viewing it, I would like to discuss what is most ‘WTF’ about this particular performance. Fiance and I both agree but I’m curious to see what others think.  I warn you…the song is quite catchy and could remain in your head for days.

We had a house warming party at our house this weekend.  The morning of the party, we were all running around the house cleaning, cooking, etc.  Fiance was getting ready to go pick up the keg and some ice.  He asked how much ice he should get.  I told him to grab two of the ‘big’ bags.  We can use one for the cooler and one for the keg.

He got back and was helping put away soda in the refrigerator.  I told him I’d planned to put it in the cooler. But since he made it fit in the fridge, I wasn’t going to argue the point.  As long as the soda was cool, I didn’t care.  After all, we have a large freezer in the garage to accommodate the extra ice.

Our friends came over and brought all kinds of yummy munchies and thoughtful house warming gifts.  We really do have the best friends.  And it seemed as though every one had a great time,even though there was an almost beating of a guest by a down spout…but that’s another story altogether!

After the party, we were up late with a friend from Chicago that we rarely get to see.  So today was a lazy day.  At dinner, I remembered that we should have an abundance of ice and ask Fiance to grab it from the garage.  He then informs me that there is probably none left.

But isn’t there any in the big freezer?

F: “No. I used that for the keg.”

But what about the ice for the cooler that we ended up not using?

F: “I put it in the cooler.”

But the cooler had nothing in it.

F: “Yeah…but you told me to put it in the cooler.”

Really?…I told you to put it in the cooler so it could keep the soda cold that you decided needed to go in the fridge.  I didn’t realize that I needed to tell you that since you decided to put the soda in the fridge, that we no longer needed the cooler.

F: “I didn’t know if any one else would need the cooler in case they brought their own drinks.”

He did have a point, though I’m sure the ice would keep better in the freezer until a friend mentioned needing the cooler…but whatever.  I was not even mad or aggravated. I was more in awe at the train of thought happening before me.  Until…

F: Look…I learned a long time ago to not even question what you tell me to do.  I know what happens when I question your crazy.

If he knows by now not to “question my crazy”, you’d think he’d know by now not to fire a shot like that if he’s dealing with crazy.

You don’t want to question my crazy?  Really?  Because it does sound totally insane to keep ice in the FREEZER…of all places.

F: “Look, I just meant that I wasn’t going to bug you with the ice since we had all kinds of other things going on.”

F, that is just asinine! Why is it so hard to think for yourself that ice will stay ice longer in a frozen environment…like a freezer?

Then Shelby walks int he room to ask a question.  She should have known better.

Shelby - if you were at a party and looking for soda, where would you look for it?

S: (After looking at both of us) “Umm…well…if there was a cooler outside, I would look there. If it wasn’t there, I’d look for it in the fridge.”

But if there was no cooler being used and you had a bag of ice, where would you put it?

S: (Looking at both of us again) I just wanted to know what was for dinner.  Can I go now?

F: “Run away while you still can!”

Don’t tell her that.  You’re just afraid to be shown that you are not smarter than a 5th grader!

Shelby then runs away.

Dude, seriously…this whole thing is just stupid.  I just wanted some ice for my soda.

F: “It’s in the fridge. Why do you need ice?”

Because I’m insane and want it in a glass…with ice! I am so going to blog about this…

F: “I figured as much.”

My point?  Do any of you out there have this stupid of a conversation that turned into an honest-to-goodness argument with your significant other?  Do you think this is just a bi-product of my aggravation with him for his seven-plus hours straight of playing video games before this?  Could this type of thing be the reason that I have a ‘crazy’?  Help me out here…please…

While Shelby and I were watching a movie, Clayton came out of the back bedroom after roughhousing with the fiance and dogs. I noticed his left eye was starting to swell.  I asked him what happened.

Clayton:”Heyzeus punched me in the eye.”

Heyzeus punched you?

Clayton: “Yeah.  And it hurt.”

(Fiance), did you see his eye?

Fiance: “Yeah…Clayton decided to jump on me so I pinned him. Then Heyzeus stepped on his eye.”

Nice. Dude, you need to go get an ice pack. It looks like you’re going to have a black eye.

Clayton: “OHMIGOD!  This is like the fifth time this week that you have told to go get an ice pack.  It’s like I better just keep one on me all the time!”

Clayton has had a rough week or so.  He was hit in the face with a softball. While he and I were roughhousing,  Maggie jumped on the bed, stepping on his neck.  But the best one had to be when he decided to fling open the garage screen door as hard as he could, just to have it spring back and slam his ear (yes, his ear) in the door.

I believe he got his coordination from me.  Poor kid!

I thought I would jump on this Random Tuesday band wagon, mostly because I just have some random stuff floating around my head…worse than usual today.

I’m sure most of you have this person in your office.  She isn’t the brightest bulb in the bunch.  She’s easily in her early 30’s, married with a kid or two.  Gossip magazines are a bit of a religion and refers to a handful of celebrity hunks as her true love or boyfriend.  She could possibly be the most outwardly judgemental person in the room. (I know…irony.)

I work in a medical setting, so swine flu H1N1 is a topic of conversation more frequently than in most places.  While at lunch, I happened to catch a snippet of a conversation and it happened to be this darling’s part:

“Who knows why they call it swine flu. It originated down in Mexico.  It could have been meant to be wine flu for all we know. Those people down there just don’t speak English real good.”

Would it be wrong to go over and flick her in the forehead?

Speaking of swine flu H1N1…Have you noticed the price of everything pork has dropped at the grocery store.  Who’s family is having pork chops and lots of bacon?  Mine is!

Have any of you read the Twilight series yet?  (My friends closest to me are now rolling their eyes) If so, you understand my confusion with my obsession.  I almost NEVER read a book more than once.  My only exceptions are To Kill a Mockingbird and The Secret Life of Bees (and if you haven’t even read those, head straight to a library or book store. Now!) I am now reading these books for a second time and I’m pretty sure I’ll read them a third.  So I’m a 30-year-old now drooling over a 16-year-old werewolf and perpetually 17-year-old-vampire. God, I hope I don’t have to register on some site where I have to tracked for the rest of my life while not being allowed to go near a school!

Is it wrong that I was kind of proud of the fact that hot girls would not stop hitting on my fiance at beer fest? I was very entertained until he answered the do-you-have-a girlfriend question with ‘no’.  He answered ‘a fiance’ and motioned over to me.  Then I got the head to toe appraisal and the catty congratulations.  I so wanted to say, “Look, skinny bitch.  You may be young and beautiful and have a discernible waist with almost no stretch marks. But you know what I bring to the party?  Yeah…I make him dinner.  I bitch at him about the checkbook and about putting his shoes away.  I even make him clean up dog poop.  So there (then I would very maturely stick out my tongue). But instead I just thanked her and smiled.  Then I teased him about his new girlfriends all the way home.

Speaking of tormenting the love of my life.  Have any of you heard the remake to Careless Whisper by Seether (originally by Wham!)?  It is not good and kind of sad.  I know the fiance HATES the song with a passion.  On the way to work almost every morning, one of the local radio stations is sure to play it. And most of the time I force him to listen to it while I sing along. (Who doesn’t like that scenario at 5:30 in the morning?) It’s like my passive aggressive way I get back at him for making me get up so freaking early.

Until the other day…I was on my way home after dropping him off and I kept the song on.  And I was still singing to it…But in the same style as George Michael.  It wasn’t until after the song was over did I realize that I was really into it.  I bet I made quite a few people crack up on their way to work as I’m singing and rocking out at the top of my lungs driving from East Peoria to Bartonville. Now I find myself longing to hear the song more.  Is it my deep seeded resentment of George Michael for breaking up that brilliant duo Wham!? Is it my not-so-hidden love of all bad music? Is this a sign that I desperately need a better stereo in my car…maybe one that doesn’t have a tape deck? I think I may be in crisis here.

OK…that was my first stab at Random Tuesday’s.  For more Random Tuesday’s, go visit Keely at the Un-Mom. Have a great day!!

A text conversation with my dear friend ‘B’:

B: Bridget the Midget at Elliot’s June 5-6

Me: Sweet…Is that a date then?

B: Only if my wife lets me go. With another woman. To see a midget. Naked.

Me: I love you!

When you called me on my way to work and asked me if I got a new book of checks out, I explained to you that I had exactly one hour to get myself and two children showered and ready for the day.  That doesn’t even begin to take into consideration the two wild and crazy dogs that need constant reminders to not bark at the neighbors 5 cats and to not take out the small boy while racing around the living room.  And we can’t forget the dramatic drowning of the garden vegetables on the coffee table that I had to stop everything to deal with.  So for this one time, you would need to get a new book of checks out to replenish the checkbook all by yourself.

But where on earth would we keep something as elusive as a book of checks, you ask?  Well, my independently challenged loved one, we keep those in the filing cabinet where all the other important financial/life paperwork is kept.  They will be in a lovely green box, but be sure to get the joint account checks.  I doubt you could pass for a ‘Katherine’.

You’ll be OK, really…I promise.

Later that day…

So you forgot to have the vet cut Heyzeus’s talon-like toe nails?  Heyzeus only got a one year rabies shot?  What about the kennel cough vaccine?  No??  And you say you never found the checks and had to put the vet visit on the card?

Seriously?!?

I’m kind of up to my wrists in making teriyaki chicken packets for dinner. But I’m sure once I throw these in the oven, I will have those checks in your hand in less than a minute.

Thirty seconds after dinner is in the oven, I handed the box of checks to the love of my life.

See…I was mistaken when I told him they were in the filing cabinet.  It turns out they were a mere 18 inches in front of the filing cabinet sitting on the floor in plain view, with only a Guitar Hero guitar sitting next to it.

Why were they there?  I have no idea.  But had it been a snake, it wold have bit your less-than-observant self.  Thank goodness it wasn’t a snake because I really do not have time to add bandaging a wound into the morning routine. As it is, we are up at 5AM.

But I promise, as soon as I get a few minutes, I will work on better angling the cameras so I can better direct you to where things are not hiding in the house while I’m at work trying to work. Until then, you will just have to bear with me.

First thing this morning, Clayton had gotten the idea that we should go up to the greasy spoon at the end of our road for breakfast.  While getting ready, I pointed out that his plaid shorts and Hawaiian shirt didn’t really go together and he needed to rethink his ensemble.

While he was changing, Shelby was giving him some grief.  Then Clayton retorts with this little gem:

“Yeah, but does it really matter all that much?  I mean, it’s a nice restaurant and all…but it it’s not like it’s a wedding or a buffet or anything.”

What does that say about the places we take our kids?

While backing out of the garage earlier today, I noticed that my other half had the gas grill in pieces.  When I asked why the grill was being dismantled, he explained that he wanted to convert it over to charcoal.

I was curious why on earth he would do that when we already have a charcoal grill.

He explained that since our tank was stolen last week, it would be more cost effective to make the transition to charcoal instead of buying a new tank.

Silly me….why didn’t I think of  that…Oh yeah!  I didn’t know that our tank had been stolen off of the grill!!

Then I asked why he didn’t think to put the grill in the garage to avoid this situation (something I have been asking him to do since we moved in last December), his response was, “And how long has that grill sat there untouched?  It has been months and it has been fine.”

Hmmm…not really the answer I was looking for…

But I can’t point out what dumb ass logic that is without making a scene and we were in the produce section of Krogers at that point. That kind of explanation requires outside voices and a possible diagram and/or hand gestures. So I had to resort to passive aggressive measures to keep from losing it. But he doesn’t know that yet. I wonder how long it will take him to figure it out. Maybe I’ll just go drink that last beer while I wait…

Thank you for allowing me to express my aggravation.